Something that most of my readers don’t know about me is that I struggled very severely to have children. It was during my stubborn quest to make it through multiple miscarriages that I found my love for writing. After my fifth miscarriage we were able to make my sixth pregnancy a success. I gave birth prematurely (after much bed-rest and struggle) to my son Cannon. He is perfect and we thank God every single day for the miracle we were given with his birth. He is now 4.
After having Cannon I suffered two more miscarriages before the delivery of my daughter Kimber. She is now a healthy little spite-fire two year old, and we absolutely adore everything about her. The entire journey was very lengthy, intense, as well as physically and emotionally painful in every way. I actually considered writing a memoir in contribution to miscarriage awareness, as each and every loss was uniquely devastating. No two miscarriages are alike nor is any one easier than another. Many women out there don’t receive the support necessary to deal with such loss.
But, my husband vetoed the entire book. He is a very private and reserved man, and doesn’t believe in sharing such intimate details of one’s life with strangers. I respect his wishes to keep those details out of the public eye, as do I admire his intimacy in keeping our shared emotions between us as a couple. So, I took the 20k words I had already invested into the book and pressed the delete button, never to pick up that project again!
So, back to the situation at hand. It was because of this emotional roller coaster that I completely threw myself into my writing. At first it was a much needed distraction. After my first book was released and I began pulling in feedback both negative AND positive, my writing quickly turned into a personal quest of self improvement. I loved the feeling of empowerment and determination. It helped me to heal!! I felt like a capable and strong human being after being pounded repeatedly with an overwhelming a sense of incompetency.
I released my third novel last fall, and now have a home overflowing with love and the sound of my laughing children. I have undergone a hysterectomy and no longer carry the constant nagging fear of another loss. My physical pain has been endured and I finally have the family that I fought so hard for.
I still have bad days where I allow myself to feel the losses of my failed pregnancies. Especially in the spring, because that is when the due dates of a few of my unborn babies was supposed have been. I accept those mournful days and take them with a grain of salt. I think it’s important to FEEL as a part of the healing process, in order to move forward. Not only do I finally have my family life in order, but my writing career is such an amazing blessing. It has given me something MORE. A quest to achieve, and because I was able to endure so much personal pain and anguish, I feel like I have been given the gift of mental tools. It’s a gift that I needed in order to pursue my dreams with passion and purpose!! I found my drive amidst pain, and I’m grateful to maintain such a perspective. I can only hope that other women going through multiple miscarriages can be blessed enough to find a passion, such as I did!