Ten years ago (yesterday) my heart quickened in my chest as I listened to my soulmate breathe the two word promise that changed our lives forever. I repeated the vow and took his name as my own. Now, as I sit at my kitchen table listening to my four year old play doctor, trying to fix the not so hurt leg of our new puppy, I wonder where all the time went.
Why doesn’t it feel like ten years, when we’ve been through so much? To this day, I can close my eyes and allow myself to feel his arm snake around my back and pull me in closer as we kissed our first kiss as husband and wife. I can recall the way our foreheads touched afterwards and our breathing synced as one. I can even remember the exact look on my moms face as she dabbed ever so carefully at a forming tear, as not smear her makeup. How could this have possibly been ten years ago?
Reminiscing is a little hard, because once you start you can’t stop!! Today I’ve found myself recalling literally every part of Caleb and I’s life together. He’s truly given me the best parts of him and loved me through the worst parts of me. We’ve laughed, we’ve lost and cried together, we’ve loved deeply, and at times fought hard. Together we’ve lived in three places, had three different dogs, good and bad haircuts (really that’s only me, he’s pretty much just stayed bald lol) and we’ve stood together as friends and family have came and went.
We moved fast right out the gate, and our experience as parents has been a complicated one to say the least. After a week of knowing each other we moved in together. After a month we were engaged, planning to seal the deal a good year later. We bumped our wedding date up a few times until one random afternoon as we were talking about how important it was to each of us to have a small wedding, we both just kind of blurted out, “let’s do it this week.” Which is exactly what we did.
That weekend I picked out my dress, his attire, decor, and got the clear from my cousins wife who happened to be a the Mayor of a small town close by. We got married with the company of our immediate family. Our parents and siblings all came, some excited and some possibly a little leary because we were ‘very clearly rushing it’. Either way we were supported.
What’s funny is that I actually found out that I was pregnant exactly one week AFTER our marriage. We didn’t fight too hard when people were uttering their comments about it being the reason behind our quick wedding. We just laughed about it and let them think what they wanted. We were in love and having a child, what could be better than that, right?!?
I was talked into having a reception with all of the extended family the following month, so that all of our other loved ones could join in the celebration of our wed. I was reluctant, but agreed. Invitations went out, a hall was reserved, a cake was picked out and in the works. I had my favorite fresh flowers ordered for the centerpieces, it was all lined up to be perfect… that is until my doctor appointment three days before the reception. We went in for an 8 week check up and there was no heartbeat. We were devastated, and had to grieve in the company of everyone we knew as they shook our hands and congratulated us.
This was our first loss. I had several pregnant friends and family who were also expecting to have their children within the month I was due. I would have had that baby toward the end of May 2010, and STILL every year as they celebrate the birthdays of their beautiful kids, I can’t help but think of the very first child that I lost. After that, we didn’t want to give up. So, after a few months when my body had healed we tried again. I got pregnant fast… and the same thing happened.
The doctors couldn’t figure out why I had lost another child. It wound up being a vicious cycle! I bounced from one doctor to the next. I didn’t have any trouble getting pregnant, but I couldn’t seem to hang onto the babies. I lost six pregnancies before I had my son. Keeping him was excruciating. Lots of pain, bedrest, stitched cervix, hormons, shots of many kinds etc. I could go into the depth of it all, but trust me, it’d be TOO MUCH!
We made it. He was early, and in the NICU for a week before we took him home, still four weeks before my due date. After Cannon, I lost another before giving birth to my daughter, Kimber. My pregnancy with her was just as hard. In some ways the same, and in some ways different. She too was born early, but only four weeks early and she was as healthy as can be.
My husband and I had been given not one, but two miricle babies! I thank God every single day for that!
That’s right folks. I’ve been pregnant nine times and have two living children. Since all of the baby business I’ve had a hysterectomy and as a family we’ve had plenty of other hoops to jump through!
Last year Cannon was officially placed on the Autism spectrum. Now, don’t take this as a complaint by no means. This little boy is brilliant, and unique, and perfect in every way! He’s a literal thinker and wants to know how things work. So, as he struggles with learning certain things and socializing is really not his cup of tea… he exells elsewhere. We get through the challenges of his hangups together as a family. We work hand in hand, and when we have breakthroughs and milestones that regular parents don’t get the privilege of experiencing we celebrate big!!
SO, as you can imagine, in our ten years of marriage we’ve experienced a lifetime of emotions! Along with agreements, disagreements, tears, rejoices and oh so much more. With our losses we gained a level of understanding and appreciation that can only be reached through experience. Medical troubles have guided us through acceptance and loving one another for what is. We’ve learned to support and encourage the positives, all the while making it through the negatives one breath at a time!!
I feel like I should have some sort of a moral to the story, but I don’t. I guess in light of a decade I just felt like I needed to ramble the quickest run down of our lives together. If nothing else but to get it out so I can get this whole remenice out of my mind and focus on today.