So during my son’s morning rambles today he said, “Everyone has a purpose in life, Mom, Right?”
To which I replied, “Sure thing, Kiddo.”
He continued on to say, “And your purpose is to write cool books for people who like to read. And my purpose is to grow up and build a bridge over the Grand Canyon. And I’ll be so famous that they’ll put my face on a coin too, because of it. How great do you think that purpose is? Wait! Don’t answer that! I’m going to tell you something else…”
On and on he continued, as usual, with the occasional stuntman comment involving his bridge and the helicopters it will take to accomplish such a difficult task. (Spend a day with this kid, seriously there is nothing like it lol. Every day is different, and his mind is such a beautiful place!).
I got to thinking as he talked in circles, about how blessed and amazing life can truly be! I DO write cool books, and he DOES have phenomenal aspirations in life, especially for a seven year old! I have no doubt that he’ll reach great heights, be it the Grand Canyon or something else equally as jaw dropping. It would do us all a world of good to think of life through a clear lens. Stop fogging it up with doubt and unnecessary stress.
2019 has been a really hard year for so many people that I know and love… myself included. So many tragedies have struck. Loved ones and acquaintances have passed away. I personally have developed a very debilitating issue with anxiety. This is a problem that I’m not extremely familiar with, aside from postpartum after having given birth to my children. But this… this is different. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest, and that has its own kind of buzz. An inescapable one that renders me afraid of everything and nothing, because you never know what, why or who is going to kick it into a higher gear, or when. It’s ridiculous, once you think about it, but nonetheless it’s there.
I’ve struggled on and off with glimpses of this anxiety and the downside of epmath qualities for years. But, before 2019 it had never lasted more than a few days or weeks. Never a whole year!
I’ve been to therapy, I’ve avoided people and situations in general. I’ve missed out on events and gatherings that I should have been there… funerals included. I’ve failed to support people that I should have supported when they needed me most, all because I was too busy trying to sort out my own head and my own paralyzing dysfunctions. Which is understandable, yet the guilt and embarrassment of it is as real as a slap to the face.
I’ve avoided all people really, which isn’t like me at all. I know that many of my friends and family have taken it personally, and the need to explain myself is almost overwhelming. Yet, on the other hand the ability to do so just isn’t there. I see meme’s and social media posts saying that no one should have to explain themselves, yet here I am, making excuses.
Now, as the year is coming to an end, the universe is shifting into a healing alignment, and a fresh blanket of clean white snow covers the dirt and muck on the earth, I’m left to ponder. Tis’ the season for love, family, hope, and resolutions. This morning I’ve found myself in a strange place of stand still.
I’m watching my kids play with their Christmas stuff, and watch Christmas shows, refusing to let me take down all the decor just yet (even though it drives me nuts), because they already miss their Elf on the Shelf, just so so so so so so much. What’s one more day anyway, right?!
So, I’m thinking to myself why not? Why not one more day of celebrating Christmas? Why not avoid people for my own self-help, if that’s what it takes to get my soul back into a healthy place? Why not choose to surround myself with only my closest family while my head and heart is lingering in an anxious place? Why feel guilty for that, and why stress about the judgement from others? Afterall, this judgement is more in my own head than in actual existence.
I mean, no one has said it better than the amazing Dr. Seuss himself, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
ALL ^^^ that said… my goal for 2020 is to find peace WITH IN ME once again. Recover the confidence that I, for one reason or another, threw out the window to let scatter in the wind. That simple! It’s not a new year’s resolution per-say, just a regular ol’ goal that I’ve already started working on. Writing cool books for people who like to read, as referenced by my beautifully autistic son is clearly a part of that goal. Accomplishment pared with bigger ambition does lead to a sense of self-worth after all!!!
And that’s that, guys!! So, let’s hear it: What’s your goals? Your struggles? Your fears, and how to overcome them? Tell me all about your 2019 and your hopes for 2020. I want you to voice it, and to embrace it, just like I’m doing today in my stand still.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS WP!
Also, there’s still plenty of time to join in this month’s WIP Writing Challenge!! Let me help you introduce your WIP characters!